A Pointless Episode

The seventh episode of the series, and one of the most hilarious. Enjoy!

Script[]

(Rack and NH are watching TV.)
Announcer: Horeos, the cookie with chocolate, cream and heroism! At a store near you!
(Commercial shows oreo with a cape on.)
NH: Who would buy that?!
Rack: Well, I haven't had chocolate or cream in a while. And I could use some heroism.
NH: Of course.
Rack: I should get that. But hm........
(Rack notices NH's dirty fur.)
Rack: Let's give you a bath first.
NH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rack: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
(Later. Rack is almost done cleaning NH in the bathtub.)
Rack: Okay, just about done with your bath......... you have white fur?!
NH: Well, yeah.
Rack: How comes you never had white fur before?!
NH: You never succeeded at catching me on bath day before.
Rack: Anyway, time to go to the store! Wanna go for a walk?
NH: YES WALK WALK WALK I WANT THE WALK........ I mean, no.
Rack: Alrighty!
(Rack puts leash on NH.)
NH: Curse my relatives. Well, I better to do this with my servant. Rig!
(Rig pops up out of fire hydrant, causing water to fall everywhere.)
Rig: Yeeeeees?
NH: I need you to make a trip to a store bearable.
Rig: No can do. Me and Tire are gonna get married today! (Hugs Tire)
NH: WHAT?! YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY A PIECE OF RUBBER?!
Rig: What can I say? He's such a gentleman!
NH: Ugh, fine! But remember, come to me when I call you!
Rig: Okie dokie!
(Rig goes back into the fire hydrant, with it being restored and water no longer going everywhere.)
NH: This'll be as fun as having your fur shaved.
(Cut to US. She's in her office with sunglasses on while writing with purple ink on purple paper.)
US: I love purple. Good thing I can see it with my special shades. Hm, I wonder where Dep is, he hasn't appeared lately........
(Cut to the Dep. Mayor.)
Dep. Mayor: Yeah, I appeared now, okay? Now you can all leave me alone! (Runs away crying)
(Cut back to US.)
US: Oh crap, I actually cared about someone there. Oh well. I'm baclk........ like Raclk. Dunno why I said that, but I had to with these shades. I'm bored. Hm, I should check up on Raclk and those other people I can't remember. Screw this!
(US leaves her office, and drives in her purple car, heading to Rack's house.)
(Cut to Rack and NH.)
Person: Hey there! Did you know NH is the "Granite State"?
NH: I'm not a rock!
Rack: I know! Granite is my favorite type of rock!
Person: No way! Same here! Did you also know NH is in the East?
Rack: Yep. NH sure has some small neat grass.
NH: WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING MY NAME?! AND I DO NOT HAVE ANY GRASS ON ME!
Person: It seems you're dog's upset from his barking, so I'll see ya later.
(Person leaves.)
Rack: Simmer down, boy!
NH: Fine!
(US and her car come up.)
NH: Great.
US: Hey Raclk! So, I was bored, so how about we have a trip together with NH?
NH: What?! She never calls me NH!
Rack: I'm not sure. NH is too far away from us.
US: Yeah, you're right. How about we go to that new meat place?
Rack: Sure! Do you mind if we drop by the store during it?
US: Sure, just be quick.
Rack: Okay! Let's go doggie!
(They all get into the car, and start driving.)
NH: Huh............ if I must live, I need my servant. Rig!
(Rig pops out of one of the backseats, wearing a white wedding dress and wearing flowers around her head, while holding Tire with a black hat.)
Rig: Yeeeeeeees?
NH: I need you so I can survive because humans are going to some fast food place.
Rig: No way! That's where me and Tire are getting hitched! This is perfect then!
NH: Great, even worse.
US: What should we do to pass the time?
Rack: I know! Let's play: friendly bonding!
US: Nah, let's play.......... shout a food!
Rack: Tofu!
US: Grease!
NH: YES, CREAMED CORN TUESDAYS IS A VERY HAPPY DAY. .........Why did I say that?
Rig: Pie!
(Later.)
Rig: Hey NH.
NH: What?
Rig: I have these pants that Tire was gonna wear, but they don't fit him. Do you mind wearing them?
NH: GET THOSE AWAY FOR ME!
(Rig and NH chase each other.)
(NH has pants on his tail.)
NH: As much as I hate pants, at least my parasite will suffocate, rot and die under there!
Rack: I like NH.
US: My uncle lives in NH.
NH: (thinking): They're conspiring to destroy me from the inside with shrunken down uncles?!
Rig: Meh, close enough.
(Later.)
US: OMG. FTW. BRB. LOL.
Rack: IKR? GTG. TTYL. LOL.
Rig: GTK. TTYL. LOL.
NH: I don't even know anymore.
(Later....... again "Getting tired of that, aren't ya?" under it.)
Rig: How come you fail so much?
NH: NH Industries of Failure Ltd.
Rig: What's Ltd.? Learn To Diet? 'Cause, I'm only on a piggy exclusive diet!
NH: Whatever you want to believe.
Rig: Okie dokie!
(Late-, "Yeah, you get it now." under it.)
US: Aw, who's a cute doggie?
NH: Wolf!
Rack: Hm, I've always wondered what kind of breed of dog he is.
US: Yeah, what is he?
Rack: Shepard, husky, Pomeranian?
US: Pomegranate?
(NH facepalms.)
US: Hey, where is my wallet? (Sees Rig chewing on it) Give me back my wallet!
Rig: This is my walnut!
("Do we even need to say it?" appears.)
US: DANCE FOR ME, MINIONS!
(Rack dances.)
(NH resists.)
Rig: Okay.......... (puts on tux and dances)
(US pulls out her gun.)
US: ...........I said dance.
(Rig dances faster.)
(NH dances horribly.)
US: Excellent. I am amused.
Rack: Look! We're at the store!
US: Cool. Now hurry up!
(Rack quickly gets out of the car and into the store.)
(50 seconds later.)
Rack: (panting): Okay, got the horeos.
US: Aw, only 5 seconds til I was gonna shoot you. Oh well.
(They continue driving.)
(They stop at a place called "MEAT MEAT", with the M flashing, causing it to look like "EAT MEAT".)
US: ITTER. I WANT THAT SIGN!
(They all get out of the car.)
(US steals the sign.)
US: Perfect. Now let's eat some MEAT!
(They all get inside the restaurant.)
(NH notices the chef is Italian.)
NH: .......I bet Italians taste good.......
US: Are you crazy, bro? Americans taste best, because of all the variety.
NH: Not very good variety though........ being composed of many different things still makes garbage crap.
(Rack falls down, unconscious.)
(Later. There is a wedding going on, for Rig and Tire. The chef is the Justice of the Peace.)
Chef: Do you take this rubbery tire to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Rig: Of course I do! Why else am I here?!
Chef: And do you, Tire, take this hyperactive dog to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Rig: Yes he does!
Chef: Then I pronounce you husband and wife.
Rig: Yay! (Eats her wedding ring)
(Cut to Rack, NH, US and Rig at a table, waiting for their meal.)
US: You know, Raclk, why did you leave me when I told you I was having babies? Why be a baby daddy?!
Rack: ...........What?......
US: Don't pretend you don't know! You ran away after I told you I was having twins! Why, baby daddy?! Why?!
Rack: I didn't!
US: Lies! Just like last time in court! Why baby daddy?! Am I too fat now?! Am I too lethargic for you?! Answer me baby daddy!
(Rack runs into the bathroom.)
US: Yep, just like last time! Hiding from your troubles! Get back here, baby daddy!
(US runs into the bathroom, following Rack.)
NH: I'm surrounded by idiots. So, uh, how did Tire get back out?
Rig: Let's just say my bottom hurt for a while.
NH: .........Never mind...........
(Later. They're all still waiting for their food.)
Rig: I'm so hungry!
(Rig looks at Tire. In her POV, Tire is turned into a doughnut.)
(Rig eats Tire.)
NH: You ate him again?
Rig: Well, the chef's taking too long!
(Later. Their food is finally there.)
(The following scenes are in NH's POV.)
Rack: Howdy there, doggie!
NH: Howdy?
US: Oh, Raclk, do we got a varmint?
Rack: No, I reckon we got a doggie.
NH: Varmint? Reckon?
US: Aw, I wanted some possum. Oh, well. Bring 'em in!
(Rack and NH walk inside.)
US: Howdy there! I reckon to be US, and that feller next to you is Raclk.
Rack: Rack, ma'am.
US: Hm....... you seem to be as fit as a fiddle.
NH: Huh?
US: How about I cook up some grub for y'all?
NH: I hope not literally.......
(Later. They're having dinner.)
NH: Um...... my dinner's moving.
US: Hold on there. (Hits NH's dinner with a long knife) See, you gotta hit 'em with an Arkansas toothpick and they'll be out lickety split.
NH: Uh huh........
(Later.)
Rack: Ah. I reckon my bread basket's full.
US: Darn tootin'! That Frog gig really filled my bread basket up!
NH: I have no idea what you two are talking about.
US: I guess you don't have a horse sense.
Rack: I hope he's not fit to be tied.
NH: I'm neither of those things! Whatever they are.
Rack: So everything's hunky dorey?
NH: Yes. I guess.
US: Are you also smug as a bug?
NH: Uh....... sure?
Rack: Well, I guess we should stop nussing him. Let's have a hootenanny!
NH: A what?
(Southern music plays and Rack and US dance.)
NH: What is happening?
US: What's wrong? Is everything out of kilter?
NH: Um......
Rack: well, would you ruther just sit there like a Yaller dog or have a hootenanny with us?
NH: Fine. I'll dance.
(NH gets up and dances.)
US: This is out of kilter. That ain't how you have a hootenanny, varmint.
NH: How do you, then?
US: Prepare for something purdy.
(The two dance horribly.)
NH: That was worse than me!
US: What in tarnation?! Well, why don't you try, Yaller dog.
(In reality, Rack and US are dancing while Rig is eating with meat all over her wedding dress.)
NH: I need to lay off the candy.........
(Later. They're still eating.)
Rig: I want dessert! Where are the cookies?!
NH: Sorry, all out of cookies. Needed them for.......something that had nothing to do with death by chocolate.
(Later.)
Rack: Mm, can't wait to have my sammich!
(US eats it quickly.)
US: Mm.........
Rack: But..........but that was my sammich!
US: That's nice.
(Rack has a thought bubble.)
(Later. Rack gives US a sandwich.)
Rack: Perfect, time to give her a trap sammich! Hey, US, I got a sammich!
US: Sweet!
(US is about to eat it, but Rig eats it first.)
(Rig swallows it. A boom sound is heard in her.)
Rig: Darn indigestion.
Rack: Uh.........
US: Oh, I see how it is. Trying to kill me because I'm fat, right baby daddy?!
Rack: It's not what it looks like!
NH: Oh really? (Puts on detective hat) You couldn't handle the fact that US left everything to the lamp and cheated you out of inheritance! And because she ate your sammich. You wanted to make sure she learned a lesson, so you made a trap sammich!
(Rack has a guilty face.)
US: Eh, at least we're cartoons.
(They continue eating.)
(Later.)
(Old Man walks by US.)
US: Oh, look who came crawling back.
Old Man: What's that, whippersnapper?
US: Don't you "huh" me, baby daddy! Why did you ditch me?!
(Old Man runs away.)
US: Nope, not gonna lose you this time! (shoots gun) Get back here, baby daddy!
(Rack, NH and Rig just stare, not saying a word.)
(Later.)
Chef: Hey, I know what you did! Give me back my sign!
US: Never! It amuses me!
(Rack, NH, US and Rig all run and get into her car.)
Rig: That was fun! I especially liked the part where my dress got entirely dirty!
NH: My favorite part was none of it.
(US is driving very fast.)
Rack: Uh, couldn't you slow down a bit?
US: No way, bro! I've already gotten two tickets! And I need this sign!
(US drives even faster, so much so the car explodes and bursts into pieces.)
US: Aw, I just got that one.
NH: Well that's just great! Now we need to walk home!
US: This is all your fault, NY! You were the one that left me after I told you about the twins!
(NH runs away.)
US: Yeah, just like last time! But I got you now, baby daddy! (shoots gun)
(US follows NH.)
Rack: So, uh, we don't usually talk, so, what should we talk about?
Rig: I want manure.
Rack: We should follow them!
(Rack and Rig follow the two.)
NH: (panting): Well this was a pointless episode.
US: (panting): I don't know. I mean, I got to use my gun and get this itter sign.
Rack: (panting): I got horeos!
Rig: (panting): And I got married to Tire! (stomach growls) Well at least I didn't eat you right after the wedding.
NH: (panting): Huh, I guess you're right. Why are we still running?
US: (panting): Beats me. We should end this with a joke.
(The Dep. Mayor pops up out of nowhere.)
Dep. Mayor: What the?!
US: (panting): Perfect. Get back here baby daddy!
Dep. Mayor: (panting): What a great way to return........
Rack, NH, US, Rig & Dep. Mayor: Goodnight, everybody!
(They all kiss to the audience.)
THE END.

Credits[]

Starring[]

Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
New Heathera as NH
Utter solitude as US
Rigbybestie1510 as Rig
Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor
Old Man as Old Man
People as People

Writing[]

Written by: New Heathera, Rackliffelikespurple, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510
Additional Material: Kaitlyn Dunlap

Thanks[]

To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.

Inspirations[]

File:Rigs and Tire Forever .jpg <------- Thanks to that for inspiring me to have Rig and Tire married.

Other[]

I think this is one of the most hilarious and one of the best episodes of the series. Next week's is one I'm really looking forward to! :)

Thanks for reading! :D