All I Want for Christmas is to Shoot Santa

The second season 2 episode, and the Christmas special of the series! (Duh). Enjoy!

Script[]

(The episode begins with Rack talking.)
Rack: Ah, Christmas time. I time to relax, feast and spend time with family.
(NH interrupts.)
NH: What is this Christmas you keep talking about?
(Rack gasps.)
Rack: You don't know what Christmas is?
NH: No, I do not.
Rack: Christmas is....... Christmas is...........
NH: No singing! Save that for next week!
Rack: Oh, fine. Basically, it's a time to relax, feast, spend time with family, and, on Christmas Day, opening presents.
NH: Presents you say? Hm, you have attracted my interest, continue.
Rack: Yep. And, if you're a good doggie, Santa Claus will give you presents too.
NH: Santa Claus? Is that sand with claws?
Rack: (laughs): No, silly. He's someone he gives gifts to everyone all over the world. He also stuffs your stockings with great stuff.
NH: How can a man give gifts on an entire planet? And stockings are used for feet.
Rack: Let me explain.
(2 hours later.)
NH: But how can such an overweight man fit through a chimney and get every single house? Surely he'd forget at least one house.
Rack: He has his methods. He knows when you're asleep.
NH: How? No such lifeform has that ability.
Rack: He just does. So, basically, be a good doggie and you'll get what you want.
NH: Wait. What happens if you're bad?
Rack: Well, if you've been a naughty doggie, the presents and what you'll get in your stocking is coal.
NH: Coal? (thinking): Perfect! I need coal to power one of my inventions! All I have to do is be bad and get what I want! Why do I talk to myself in thought so much? (not talking): Oh, don't worry, human, I'll be good.
Rack: Great! Oh! US should be here any minute! She's gonna bake us cookies!
NH: Great........... Because last time, I needed my stomach pumped from eating her food last year.
(US bursts in.)
US: I was too lazy to cook this year and I'm too full from eating Wendy's but I got the receipt-er-recipe and some sugar, so do it yourself.
NH: At least my stomach won't be destroyed this time.
US: NY, you so funny.
NH: It's to distract you for....eh....
(NH replaces US's bag of sugar with a bag of sand)
NH: Boy, will those cookies be grainy.
Rack: NH, remember the Iditarod we did a few years back?
NH: Don't remind me, human.
US: RACLK! THAT'S GROSS!
Rack: Oh my gosh! Look at the time! I better do some last minute shopping! US, will you babysit NH?
NH: I am not a baby nor will I allow her to sit on me.
US: Yeah, whatever.
Rack: You're a life saver!
(Rack leaves.)
US: Ooh, I've always wanted to be a candy. Oh wait, I already am one!
(US eats twizzlers.)
US: I hate to be a cannibal, but y'all are so good.
(NH chews on Rack's socks.)
NH: Blegh! Well, at least I'll get some coal.
(US comes in.)
NH: Look what I did! I've ruined the human's socks! Oh no! Looks like I'll be punished.
US: Why did you chew on Raclk's socks? That's just gross NY.
NH: I just wanted something to eat.
US: Uh, okay......
NH: Aren't you going to punish me?
US: Well, I don't really care about Raclk's socks, so no.
NH: Come on, spank me! Make me sting! Spank me 'till I turn red!
US: Silly NY.
(US walks away.)
(NH growls.)
US: Hm, I remember I had something to do today........
(US looks at her paper.)
US: That's it! I was gonna shoot Santa in the knee caps! Oh, ho i want to do that so badly!
(Flashback, saying 1 year ago. US writes a letter saying she wants a butt comforter. Cuts to her around desk. Opens all her gifts, finds no butt comforter. She has an angry face.)
US: He's gonna get it badly!
(The Dep. Mayor bursts in, panting.)
US: What's the deal-i-o, bro?
Dep. Mayor: (panting): There you are, Miss US! I've been looking all over for you!
US: Chill bro, I'm right here.
Dep. Mayor: You said you'd come back 20 minutes tops!
US: Well, looks like I lied. Anyway, I'm about to leave and go to the North Pole to shoot Santa in the kneecaps.
Dep. Mayor: Why?
US: Because he didn't get me my butt comforter last year.
Dep. Mayor: Oh, that's why you were angry.
US: Anyway, I need protection in case of an emergency. Wanna be my protection?
Dep. Mayor: (thinking): Yes! This is my big chance to admit my love for Miss US! (not thinking, voice cracking): Alright.
US: You should get that checked. Anyway, let's begin our itter adventure!
(US and the Dep. Mayor leave.)
NH: US, I demand you cook me fresh squirrels. US?
(NH realizes he is alone.)
NH: Yes! Finally! I'm alo-.
(Rig pops up out of nowhere.)
Rig: Hi NH!
NH: That was a good 20 seconds. Rig, I have come up with our next plan: Be bad in order to get coal for our latest invention.
Rig: Meh, sounds lame.
NH: Oh really? I suppose you have a better plan.
Rig: Nope. But, I'm goin' to the North Pole to become an elf!
NH: Okay. I can just do this by myself anyway.
Rig: Okie dokie!
(Rig eats some of the floor, creating a whole, making her fall.)
Rig: Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(The echo stops.)
NH: Okay then. Now, time to be bad.
(Cut to Rack. He is in a store.)
Rack: Hm. Looks like all the good toys are sold out.
(Shows shelf with nothing but a normal baby doll; Rack touches it, it turns into ashes.)
Rack: Well, I'll look in the clothes section......
(Rack goes into the clothes section.)
Rack: Hm...... all that's left is a sweater. I guess I'll get it.
(Rack puts the sweater in his cart.)
(Rack gets his cart hit by a woman.)
Woman: Outta my way, momma's gotta get her clothes!
Rack: I don't remember shopping being so dangerous.
(A montage shows of Rack shopping for gifts, but all the isles have mediocre gifts remaining.)
Rack: Sigh. I guess NH won't mind having just one gift this year.
(Rack gets in a line at a check out isle. It is ridiculously long.)
Rack: Great.........
(Cut to US and the Dep. Mayor.)
Dep. Mayor: My fingers are turning purple.
US: I like purple.
Dep. Mayor: Now my feet are cold.
US: Well duh, we're in the snow.
Dep. Mayor: I think I'm getting frostbite.
US: Well I got an itter in one of my feet and the high heels are killin' me, and it's not the good kind of itter.
Dep. Mayor: Can we just go home? It's not worth dying from frostbite to shoot Santa.
(US stares at him.)
US: If you don't stop complaining, I will shoot you in the knees instead. Alright?!
(The Dep. Mayor gulps.)
Dep. Mayor: Okay..........
(A montage plays of Rack still in the long line, NH breaking and ruining things in the house, US and the Dep. Mayor looking for Santa and Rig still chewing her way to the North Pole.)
(Cut to Rack, still in the long line.)
Rack: I wonder what's taking so long. It's like no one's moved at all.
(Cut to an Old Man.)
Old Man: Back in my day, we had no TV or computers or any fancy technology. All we had was the radio to listen to after we were done playing outside. That's another thing I hate about today! Kids don't bother to go outside anymore. All they care about is fancy TVs and computers. They're all overweight. Another thing I hate about today. Everyone's too fat. Back in my day, ladies were as skinny as a rail and men as skinny as a Christmas tree.
Cashier: Sir, could you please move forward?
Old Man: Don't interrupt! I'm not done yet! That's another thing I hate about today! No one lets people speak! It's rude, obnoxious and unkind.
Rack: That explains it........ huh.........
(Cut to NH scratching the walls.)
NH: This is fun! I should do this more often! Hm....... what to ruin next..........
(NH looks at the tree.)
NH: (Evilly smiling): Perfect.......
(Cut to US and the Dep. Mayor still looking for Santa.)
Dep. Mayor: Uh, Miss US, maybe we should've brought a map? I think we're lost.
US: Bro, I've been here before. I know where he is.
Dep. Mayor: Okay........ (thinking): Idiot! Try to impress her! (not thinking): Did it hurt, when you fell from Heaven?
US: Well, I fell out of a tree today and that really hurt.
Dep. Mayor: Hm.......
US: Are you hitting on me?
Dep. Mayor: Uh.....
US: Because, I don't need bruises.
(Cut to Rig. She pops out, thinking it's the North Pole, but realizes it is not.)
Rig: Huh. Looks like a took a wrong turn to Albuquerque.
(Rig winks.)
(Rig goes back under, chewing.)
(Cut to Rack.)
Old Man:....And the people these days are too scared! That whole Y2K thing? A myth, and people screamed their heads off over it. But, when the Hindenburg disaster happened back in '37, not a one screamed their heads off. People back then were down to Earth and had class. That's another thing I hate about today! People don't have any class anymore. Everyone eats with their mouths open, do not ask to be excused from their dinner table, heck, don't even eat at the dinner table and eat fat foods. Everyone these days are rude, obnoxious, agitated, unkind, and angry, and for no reason either. Oh how I wish I could get a time machine and go back to the days where I was in the war and risked my life thousands of times, and go home to a delighted wife. Oh how I miss my wife. She was one of the last kind ones. She passed on a few years ago. I miss her so much. She was such a sweetheart. I'll never forget her. Well, until I die, that is.
(The cashier and all customers except Rack are sleeping.)
Rack: I feel like I'm gonna explode.
(Cut to NH. He has destroyed the tree.)
NH: Hahahahah, that should give me a stocking full of coal!
(Cut to US and the Dep. Mayor.)
Dep. Mayor: Well, Miss US, if we don't find Santa, have a merry Christmas.
US: You mean happy Christmas.
Dep. Mayor: No, Miss US, it's merry Christmas.
US: No, happy Christmas.
Dep. Mayor: Merry!
US: Happy!
Dep. Mayor: Merry!
US: Happy!
Dep. Mayor: Okay, fine, it's happy Christmas. But, I prefer holidays.
US: No, bro, there's only one holiday.
Dep. Mayor: Miss US, there's other holidays besides Christmas.
US: Nope.
Dep. Mayor: Holidays is more politically correct.
US: You're politically correct! Christmas is totes the only holiday!
Dep. Mayor: But, never mind.......
(Cut to Rig. She is still chewing her way to the North Pole.)
(Cut to Rack, who is still in the long line.)
Old Man: ........And back then, radio shows were fantastic! Well written and beautiful actors! Now, it's all about seeing them. They're awfully written, and they're very ugly nowadays.
(Rack looks like he will literally almost explode.)
Rack: I HAVE BEEN WAITING IN THIS LINE FOR ALMOST 24 HOURS, AND I AM STARTING TO GET REALLY CRANKY THANKS YO THAT OLD PRUNE OVER THERE AND EVERYONE BEING ASLEEP! I AM VERY ANGRY, AGITATED, STRESSED, FRUSTRATED, WHATEVER, YOU GET THE POINT! POINT IS: IF YOU DON'T MOVE AND GET OUT OF MY WAY, I WILL DO SOMETHING NOT NICE!
(Everyone wakes up, staring at Rack.)
Rack: (quietly): So, could you please move so I can go home?
People: Sure.
(They quickly go away.)
Old Man: You know, you could've just asked. Another reason I hate today! No one has any manners.......
(The Old Man leaves.)
Cashier: Okay, let's get this over with.
(The Cashier tries to scan the sweater, but it does not work.)
Rack: Forget it. I'm just going home.
(Rack leaves.)
(Cut to NH. Rack's house is almost entirely destroyed.)
NH: Time to detonate!
(NH pushes the button, and Rack's house is destroyed.)
(Cut to US and the Dep. Mayor.)
US: Yes, finally!
(US breaks into Santa's house.)
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! Hello there little lady! What do you need?
US: A little blood.
(US, whose gun is purple, shoots Santa in his kneecaps.)
Santa Claus: You little h-.
US: Okay, let's go!
(The Dep. Mayor and US run away.)
(Right after, Rig finally reaches the North Pole.)
Rig: Hi Santy! I wanna be an elf!
Santa Claus: Next year.
Rig: Okie dokie!
(Rig chews back her way to Rack's house.)
(Rack drives home, The Dep. Mayor and US run to Rack's house, and Rig chews her way to the house; They all arrive at the same time.)
Rack: My house!
(Rack cries.)
US: Uh, Raclk, your house might need to be worked on.
Rig: Yay! I'm a dirty girl!
NH: Excellent! At least I'll get coal!
(The next day.)
(NH looks through his stocking and finds no coal, as Santa was too injured to give gifts.)
NH: Great.
Rig: Happy Presents Day!
THE END.

Credits[]

Starring[]

Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
New Heathera as NH
Utter solitude as US
Rigbybestie1510 as Rig
Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor
Santa Claus as Santa Claus
People as People

Writing[]

Written by: Rackliffelikespurple, New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510

Thanks[]

To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to teh corresponding characters.

Other[]

I think this is one of my favorite episodes.

Thanks for reading! :D