Pastus

The tenth episode of season 2, and one of my favorites from it. Enjoy!

Script[]

(US is using her computer.)
US: Stupid computer! Lagging, horrible connection and typos! It keeps freezing, stops working and says "lump" instead of lamp! Ugh!
(US bangs her fist on the computer.)
Dep. Mayor: Uh, I don't think that's a good idea, Miss US........
US: Be quiet! I'm trying to look at lamps!
(The computer stops working.)
US: That's it!
(US stomps on the computer and throws it out the window.)
Dep. Mayor: That's my computer.....
US: Was. Besides, it sucked.
(Dep. Mayor runs away, crying.)
US: Must be that time of the month again. But that was a stupid computer! Why does the Internet hate me?!
NH: You have been ignoring Pastus.
US: Huh?
NH: (sitting down like a monk and talking like one): That is not the way to handle lag, human. I will show you the way of the great wise ones within the Internet.
US: NY? Where did you come from?
NH: That's not important, human. Now, follow me, naive one, to the Pastus room.
(NH hovers.)
US: How do you do that?
(They head into NH's lab.)
NH: (walking normally): Stand back human, I need to go through the security process.
(NH puts his paw on a pad which scans it and opens a huge steal door, then another device scans his eye and opens another door, then inputs the code to a giant combination lock to open another door, uses a key to open another huge door, and then the last one is a simple wooden door.)
NH: This one's always the hardest.
(NH tries to use the doorknob and fails.)
NH: Time to open it my way.
(NH gets a laser and blows up the door.)
Rig: Hewwo!
NH: RIG! How did you get in there?!
Rig: The back door.
NH: Now is not a good time. Go play with the squirrels or something.
Rig: It's my duty! Tee he, duty.
(Rig goes into the ground.)
NH: Ah, finally. I have, in my furry paws........... The Book of The Gods and Goddesses of the Internet! You must follow these wise ones in order to rid of your lag, connection problems and typos.
US: Follow? Like, they're a religion?
NH: Yerp. Now stop interrupting and let me........
US: Ha, that's rich. Do my shoes have a religion too?
NH: Ssssssssssssh! Pastus might hear you!
US: Who?
NH: Maybe if you were quiet for a second you would know.
US: (zips mouth, muffled): There, happy?
NH: Indubitably. Now, long ago, when I was a wolf pup...........
(Flashes back to when NH is a puppy.)
NH: Curse you, Lagus!
Rack: (voice only): You better not be using the computer too much! It's not good for your eyes!
NH: Silence, human!
Rack: (voice only): Ooh, act like that and you'll get a bath!
NH: Stupid computer! I can never take over the world with such a laggy computer! (pouts and walks away) Hm, what is this?
(NH notices the book, titled "The Book of The Gods and Goddesses of the Internet.)
NH: Hm...........
(Pup NH reads the book.)
(Flashback ends.)
US: Done yet?
NH: SILENCE! Now, I will tell you about the Gods and Goddesses of the Internet.
US: Finally.
NH: (mumbling): Table of Contents, author, illustrations......
US: JUST TELL ME ALREADY!
NH: Fine!
(NH flips through some pages.)
NH: A-ha! Pastus, God of the Internet. (reading): As stated above, Pastus is the God of all Internet, keeping lag, connection and typos in check.......
(Shows image of Pastus watching a router called "The Almighty Router" to see Internet's connection.)
Pastus: Ah, everything's all nice and perfect. Ooh, gotta use the little God's room. Lagus, watch the connection for me.
(Pastus leaves.)
NH: (voice only): And now, Lagus, Goddess of Lag.
Lagus: Sure thing, Pastus. Hm, this router's too fast for me.
(Lagus turns the Fast/Slow button to "Slow".)
Lagus: Muhahahahhah! Yawn. I'm tired. I shall take a nap. Electricus, watch the router.
(Lagus goes to sleep.)
NH: (voice only): And then, Electricus, God of connection.
Electricus: Hm. This connection's too perfect for me.
(Electricus changes the connection to "Blink" mode.)
Elecrticus: Now that's perfect. Oh yeah, I gotta go golf with the main upstairs!
(A man comes downstairs.)
Man: Ready, Elect?
Electricus: I was born ready. Typus, monitor the router for me!
(Electricus and the Man leave.)
NH: (voice only): And finally, Typus, Goddess of typos.
Typus: Ah, finally, my turn! Why is there no typos?
(Typus rearranges the words "Router" to "Roertu".)
Typus: Ah, beautiful.
Pastus: I'm back........
(Typus gasps, and carries Lagus with her.)
Pastus: What the..........?
(Cut back to reality.)
NH: And that, is what happens when you don't obey Pastus and the others.
US: So wait, they're god-like? Tell me where they are! I wanna fight 'em!
NH: ........Anyway, this is what happens when you obey them......
(Cut back to the book. Pastus, Lagus, Electricus and Typus are eating.)
Pastus: Ah, isn't it great that so many people obey us?
Lagus: Indeed! I lose my ability to cause lag when people treat me with respect!
Electricus: Likewise.
Typus: As do I.
(Cut back to reality.)
US: Aw, that's more lame.
NH: You get the point. Now, go away, human. I don't need your germs to spread anymore in my lab.
US: Whatevs, NY.
(US is about to leave.)
NH: (thinking): Hm........ I'm quite bored today.......... maybe I could trick the human into believing in Pastus and doing idiotic things for my amusement! Yes! I've really got to stop revealing the plot......... (not thinking): Uh, human.
US: Yes, NY?
NH: I forgot one thing. Before you can obey Pastus and the others, you must do many things to officially obey them.
US: Sure, I got nothin' else to do.
NH: Delicious......
US: Huh?
NH: Never mind.......
(Cut to the two outside.)
NH: (writing in a book): Now the first thing to do, is go on a roof, have a satellite on your head, and shout "I believe in Pastus!" at least fifty times and then jump off.
US: Itter! I believe in Pasta! I believe in Pasta!
(NH facepalms.)
(An hour later.)
NH: You know you've said it more than fifty times.
US: I know, but I love pasta!
Rack: (coming out of nowhere): Uh, US, why are you on my roof?
US: Because I love pasta!
Rack: Uh, okay..........
(Rack leaves.)
('US jumps off.)
US: Now I'm hungry. Gimme pasta!
NH: Sigh..........
(Later. US and NH are at a table.)
NH: Now, you must pray to Pastus, Lagus, Electricus and Typus.
US: Sure thing. (prays): Pasta, I love how saucy, chewy, sticky and yummy you are. Lasagna, I love how you're exactly like pasta but still not a total knock off. Oh elementary school food, how sticky and cheap you are by putting glue on macaroni. Taffy, I love how chewy you are and slowly make my teeth decay.
NH: I'm already getting tired of this joke.
(A montage begins to play of NH telling US how to obey Pastus, with US misinterpreting what he says.)
NH: (exhausted): Okay, this shall be the final one. Sit down and talk like a monk.
US: But I'm not a monkey or the main character of a TV show........
NH: Just do it.
US: Fine. (sits down and talks like a monk): Um........... pasta.......... um........ lasagna........... um............ elementary school food........... um.............. taffy........... um........
NH: Why do I even bother?
(Cut to Pastus, Lagus, Electricus and Typus.)
Pastus: What's this? Someone manipulating another and making fake rules?
Lagus: Seen it before.
Electricus: Darn trouble makers!
Typus: What shall we do to the trouble maker?
Pastus: We shall punish the trouble maker for life. He has caused much trouble for some reason.
Lagus: Agreed. I love to give bad people lag.
Electricus: Likewise. Blinking connection is fun to do on trouble makers.
Typus: As do I with typos.
Pastus: Alright, let's meet this guy in person!
(The four poof away and go to where NH and US are.)
NH: Now stop doing things wrong and let me........
(The four put their fingers on his back.)
NH: Oh no........
Pastus: You have disappointed the Gods of the Internet!
(Lagus coughs.)
Pastus: And Goddesses....... but the point is, you have broken the rules of The Book of The Gods and Goddesses of the Internet!
NH: I just wanted to have fun with a naive human!
US: Um......... lamps............
Pastus: That is no excuse to manipulate! Now, since you have disgraced the gods and goddesses of the Internet, we shall punish you.
Lagus: By causing you never ending lag!
(Lagus electrocutes NH's computer and router.)
Electricus: And by causing you never ending blinking connection!
(Electricus also electrocutes NH's computer and router.)
Typus: And by causing you never ending typos!
(Typus does the same as Lagus and Electricus.)
Pastus: And finally, I shall double all of that!
(Pastus also does the same as the other three.)
Pastus, Lagus, Electricus & Typus: And worst of all, we shall cast all of what was already said on you!
(The four electrocute NH.)
Pastus: And our work here is done. Sorry for all the trouble he caused.
US: Um....... chocolate........
Pastus: Right....... Let's go, Gods!
(Lagus slaps Pastus.)
Pastus: (rubbing cheek): And Goddesses! Ow...... that hurt.....
(Lagus blows a raspberry.)
(Pastus uses his staff to poof the four away.)
US: Um........ NY, are you okay?...........
NH: (delayed response): My bass hurts..........
US: Um........... NY, remember, kids' show............
NH: ...........I'll just.......... blow now...........
(NH leaves.)
US: Um............ that's the end of the cartoon...........
THE END.

Credits[]

Starring[]

Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
New Heathera as NH
Utter solitude as US
Rigbybestie1510 as Rig
Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor
Pastus as Pastus
Lagus as Lagus
Electricus as Electricus
Typus as Typus
Man as Man

Writing[]

Written by: Rackliffelikespurple, New Heathera and Utter solitude

Thanks[]

To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.

Other[]

Sorry if this episode's too short. I had a bad case of writer's block, but I think it's still great. I love how original the plot is.

Thanks for reading! :D