The New Guy

The season 2 premiere of Show! Enjoy!

Script[]

(Rack, NH, US and Rig are getting off the plane.)
US: Finally! I needed my butt groove back!
(US stretches.)
NH: I must say I was mildly uncomfortable in those seats.
Rig: Those seats made my butt feel funny.
Rack: I will admit those seats were not comfortable, but at least we're home.
(The four walk to US's office.)
Dep. Mayor: Miss US! Are you okay?! Did someone shoot you, attack you, bite you, anything?!
US: Chill bro. Someone did bite me, but I bit 'em back with my strong teeth. I can defend myself.
Dep. Mayor: Good. 'Cause I was so worried! Also, how come you didn't bring me along?
Rack: There wasn't enough roo-.
US: Because you're boring.
(Rack hits US with his shoulder.)
US: Is that a challenge?!
(US karate chops Rack's head.)
Rack: Ow............
US: Piece of cake.
Dep. Mayor: Oh......... well, let's get back with our lives........
(Later. NH and Rig are walking on the street.)
NH: Hm, I'm wondering what our plan this time should be..........
Rig: I like potatoes.
NH: Hm......... Huh! What are these?!
(NH notices two top hats, mustaches and monocles.)
NH: (Evilly smiles): Excellent.
Rig: Egg salad? That gives me the pooties!
NH: Be quiet.
Rig: Okie dokie!
(Rig stands still.)
NH: Anyway...... time to devise a plan!
(NH leaves.)
(Rig is still still.)
Rig: I gotta go pootie.
(NH comes back, carrying her.)
(Cut to US. She's sitting in her office. The Dep. Mayor then comes in.)
Dep. Mayor: Ma'am, we have a problem.
US: What?
Dep. Mayor: (Reading paper): It says here the entire education budget was spent on................. bacon.
(US whistles and leaves her office, and comes back in.)
US: Wait, this is my office. Get out. There will be no more discussion of this.
Dep. Mayor: Okay Miss US....... (Takes paper off, revealing mustache)
US: MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL VIRGIN EYES!
Dep. Mayor: But you're preg-.
US: Virgin! Get that hairy worm out of my face! Do you want my eyes to bleed?!
Dep. Mayor: I think it's cute, but fine then!
(The Dep. Mayor leaves.)
US: It's okay eyes. The hairy worm is gone now.
(Cut back to NH. He is now wearing a mustache, top hat and a monocle.)
NH: I must say, I'm devilishly handsome with a mustache. Now, where did Rig go?
(NH searches for Rig.)
NH: Where is that nincompoop?
(A human walks by.)
(NH hides in a bush.)
Rig: Hi people!
(NH grabs her by his hand and the two are in a bush.)
NH: Rig, what are you doing?!
Rig: Makin' tire pie! Want some?
NH: No! I meant, don't do that around humans! They'll notice you and ruin the mission!
Rig: I have no idea what you just said. Want some tire pie? And how come you have a mustache, top hat and a monocle?
NH: It's because, we're going incognito.
Rig: Alright, but how are we gonna get into a cog that says "neat-o"?
NH: No! I'm saying, we're going to be in disguise!
Rig: Oh, okie dokie! Do you have another pair of that stuff?
NH: Yerp. Here you go.
(NH gives Rig the other mustache, top hat and monocle. Rig quickly puts it on.)
Rig: Yay, I'm a man!
NH: Mm.......
Rig: What should our names be?
NH: Eh, I'll think of mine later.
Rig: I'll be Steve!
NH: You do that. So, I'll be a fancy nudist doctor and be of royalty, while you'll be my fancy nudist assistant nurse and royal subject and jester.
Rig: I'm not any of those things though.
NH: Is Steve any of them then?
Rig: Hm, let me talk to him.
(Rig whispers to herself.)
(NH facepalms.)
Rig: Okay, I talked to Steve, and he says he is all of that.
NH: Perfect. Now, let's start our perfect plan.
(Cut back to US.)
(Rack comes in.)
Rack: Hey US!
US: GAH! MY EYES! RACLK, SHAVE THAT HAIRY WORM OFF NOW!
Rack: Why? I don't want to shave off Rack Jr........
US: I don't care! Just burn that thing or something!
(The Dep. Mayor comes in.)
Dep. Mayor: Miss US, the-.
US: MY EYES! Guys, get out and stay out until you shave those hairy worms off!
Rack & Dep. Mayor: FINE!
(Rack and the Dep. Mayor leave.)
(Cut to NH and Rig. Rack bumps into NH.)
Rack: Oh, sorry. Let me help you.
NH: I'm fine.
Rack: Huh, you look a lot like NH.
NH: NH? Who's NH?
Rack: My doggoe. He looks a lot like you.
NH: Nooooo. NH doesn't have a mustache.
Rack: Still, you do seem a lot like doggie.
NH: Dog?
Rack: Yep.
NH: I have no idea who you're talking about.
Rack: Are you sure? You're a lot like him.
NH: You must have me confused with someone else.
Rack: Well, who are you?
NH: I am.... um....eh.....hmm... I am Sir Majesty lord Baron Duke Doctor Mr. Howard Max XXI and a fifth.
Rack: That's quite a name.
NH: That's just a nickname.
Rack: I see. Nice mustache.
NH: Thanks, I bought it at the....... I mean, I grew it.
Rack: Hm, I'm still wondering how you look a lot like doggie.
NH: I don't know.
Rack: Well, I should check on my washing machine, bye!
(Rack leaves.)
NH: Perfect, this plan is working perfectly! I can taste it!
Rig: What does it taste like? Pie?
NH: Forget it. Let's find a hospital and royal chairs.
(Cut back to US.)
US: (wearing goggles): These should protect me from these hairy worms.
(NH and Rig get into her office.)
US: AGH! MY EYES ARE RUINED! SHOO! GO AWAY!
NH: I'm sorry to trouble you mayor, but where is the nearest hospital and shop? Us fancy nudists need to do our jobs.
US: I don't know just get out!
NH: Well. Come on, Steve, let's just look around town.
Rig: Okie dokie NH!
(NH facepalms.)
(NH and Rig leave.)
(Rack comes in.)
Rack: Hey US.
US: Raclk, what did I tell you? Until you shave that hairy worm off, you can't get in my office.
Rack: He's not a hairy worm! He's Rack Jr.!
US: Fine, you can stay. Just, stay where you are.
Rack: Uh, okay...........
US: Anyway, I must vent with you.
Rack: What's wrong?
US: These two fancy new guys came in my office, and they're nudists! They were looking for a hospital and a shop for some reason. I mean, it's bad enough they're naked and gross, but they have MUSTACHES! I already hate them!
Rack: Come on, US. Nudists are really nice people. And mustaches are cute! Especially Rack Jr.! Just give them a chance.
US: Oh no.......... YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! GET OUT AND STAY OUT!
(US literally kicks Rack out.)
Rack: Ow.......... I wonder what's gotten into her lately.......
(Cut to NH and Rig. A montage plays of the two venturing through the city, trying to find a hospital and a shop.)
Woman: Ugh! Those nudists are disgusting!
NH: (Moves monocle around): Deal with it.
"Woman": (Sounds like a guy): You seem a little too feminine for a guy.
Rig: You seem a little too manly for a girl.
"Woman": Crap! She found out!
NH: I found them! Huh. Who knew they would put a hospital and a shop next to each other?
(Shows the hospital and shop next to each other.)
NH: We'll go to the shop first. I want to be of (Rolling tongue) royalty.
Rig: I don't think I can do that.
NH: Let's just get inside.
(The two get inside the shop.)
NH: Get out of the way humans, Sir Majesty lord Baron Duke Doctor Mr. Howard Max XXI and a fifth coming through!
Rig: And Steve too!
(The two go on a montage of looking for a royal chair.)
(NH finds one in the "Royal" section.)
NH: Who knew?
Rig: NH, I got ice cream, pie, cake, brownies, pizza and piggies!
NH: RIG! We came for the sole purpose of getting a Royal chair!
Rig: Oh, okie dokie.
(Rig eats all the food she mentioned.)
Rig: Mm......... So, how much for it?
NH: Who cares? Let's just steal it!
Rig: Oh, NH, stealing's not okay.
NH: I'm evil. 'Nuff said.
Rig: Fine, let's go.
(NH and Rig leave the store.)
NH: Now, let's go into the hospital.
(NH and Rig go into the hospital.)
(NH and Rig go to the secretary's desk.)
NH: Where is the admission for doctors and nurses?
(The secretary points to where.)
(NH and Rig go there.)
NH: It is I, Sir Majesty lord-eh, forget it. Anyway, I'm here now.
Person: Good. Do you want some scrubs?
NH: No, I'll take my chances. I'd rather be, nude. One with Mother Nature, you know?
Person: Uh, okay....... and you?
Rig: I'm Steve! His assistant nurse!
Person: Would you like scrubs?
Rig: Nah, Steve's a nudist.
Person: Okay then.........
(NH and Rig go into their doctor's office.)
Rig: Ooh, what are these things?
NH: Rig, don't touch them! Those are for the patients.
Rig: I'm very patient.
(NH facepalms.)
(Rig uses a blood pressure cuff on her head and she keeps pressing the button to make it tighter.)
NH: Rig! Take that off!
Rig: Nah. Whoa, I feel heavy.
(Rig hits all of the tools in the office and her head is entirely flat.)
NH: Well, looks like I was right about you having a flat head.
Rig: (muffled): Yep.
(A person comes in.)
NH: Ooh, my first patient!
Man: Hey, doc. Do you like my pants?
NH: Don't you know? Pants are demons!
Man: Huh?
NH: They will inflame your entire body, shut down your organs, muscles, heart and brain! They will kill you quite quickly! If you want to live, rip them off!
Man: Whoa, I never knew that! (Rips them off) Thanks for saving me, doc! I feel better already!
NH: It's what I do. Also, I recommend you being a nudist. Those itchy clothes won't bother you anymore and you'll feel a sweet breeze.
Man: Okay doc!
NH: But, please, do it when you get home.
Man: Alright.
(The Man leaves.)
NH: Well, that's enough patients for today. Rig, let's live the royal life.
Rig: Okie dokie!
(NH and Rig leave the hospital.)
(Later. NH is in his royal chair and Rig is entertaining him.)
NH: Ah, perfect butt groove. Now, jester, amuse me!
Rig: Okie dokie! Knock knock!
NH: Who's there?
Rig: Manure!
NH: Manure who?
Rig: Manure stupid!
(Rig laughs and slaps her knee.)
NH: (has a very angry face): Do another joke like that, and you're fired!
Rig: When was I hired?
NH: That's it! You're fired!
Rig: Aw, play time's over already?
(NH is mumbling unintelligible words.)
NH: I'm bored. Let's ruin the mayor's eyes with our mustaches!
Rig: Aw, I like US.
NH: I don't care! Let's do it!
Rig: Fine.........
(Cut to US's office.)
US: They better not get back in.......
(The Dep. Mayor comes in.)
US: GAH!
(Rack comes in.)
US: UGH!
(NH and Rig come in.)
US: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Okay, that's it! Now, take these hairy worms off your mouths!
(US rips off Rack's first.)
Rack: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Rack Jr.!
(Rack goes on the ground in pain.)
(US rips off the Dep. Mayor's.)
Dep. Mayor: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(The Dep. Mayor also goes on the ground in pain.)
(US rips off NH's mustache.)
NH Uh, I was never here.
(NH runs away.)
(Finally, US rips off Rig's mustache.)
Rig: Aw, dress up's over already? I wanted to be a man longer.......
US: Ah, perfect, now my precious beautiful virgin eyes are healed. Now, to write up a law banning them.
(US starts writing up said law.)
(Later. It shows a paper saying "MUSTACHES OFFICIALLY BANNED IN USVILLE.)
?????: What happened to my top hat, mustache and monocle?
?????: Yeah, what happened to mine?
?????: We can't be fancy nudists without those.........
(They search for their things.)
THE END.

Credits[]

Starring[]

Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
New Heathera as NH
Utter solitude as US
Rigbybestie1510 as Rig
People as People

Writing[]

Written by: Rackliffelikespurple, New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510

Thanks[]

To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.

Other[]

I think this was a perfect season premiere.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it! :D